Aint no nth but me

2009-05-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm not willing to let you go,

I've buried my feelings,

I've lost all that you know,

You tell me to go on,

To remember to laugh,

But I feel broken,

I can't let go of the past,

You didn't deserve all that you got,

I miss you so much,

I love you more than you know,

You are worth the fuss,

I am so happy that I met you,

I'm so happy you are back,

No more sleepless nights,

Singing myself to sleep,

I love you

2009-05-20T09:43:00.000-07:00

Not the God, Not the Devil, Just a Friend.

Came from somewhere and is Visiting Earth, till the End.

Trying to enjoy Life and what it brings me.

Never, Maybe Sometimes, world-weary, trying to cross every road and
bend.

Going through, both, sunshine and rain.

Not pushing against; just taking, to anywhere, Life's magnificent train.

I can feel it, somewhere in my chest...I think it might be climbing into my throat. Little claws hook into the tender, delicate skin deep that lines my trachea; the pain is at first subtle and complex, then it blossoms and descends through layers of muscle and sinew, undulating and shifting.

I hold my breath for a moment, hoping to shake off this burden, hoping that it'll fall out on its own, unable to survive in the stifling vacuum I've created.

But it doesn't. It's here to stay. A vacuum isn't the only thing I've created today. I've given birth to this new monster that's currently holed up above my lungs: guilt.

If I could pull it out and stuff it into a handbag I would. It'd be a little less unwieldy and a bit easier to misplace. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder: if this remorse was born today, it is but a sapling, a seed. It's a monster now but what might it grow into? Acceptance? Forgiveness? Bitterness? Hatred? Maybe it's not worth removing after all. Maybe the roots of the guilt-sapling can build a foundation for something more promising....and less painful.

I'm so freaking frustrated. How could i have been so heartless, not thinking about another person's feeling when i wrote the earlier post. Am i turning into e monster, that will continue to be stone hearted? I have never hurt someone intentionally in my whole life and now? without thinking twice i wrote something like that?
I'm sorry? Are these words so easily said be effective? Does it mend a broken heart? Does it clear u of all your sins? Can everything be brushed aside? I think not. Well i really don't know what to say no more. What is my stand in life? what am i gonna do with it? It seems the more harder I try to study something will stop me. Have to start studying soon no like NOW! and i really do not know why when i'm just sitting down doing nothing people think i am sad. Where is e smile on my face that was ever present? Where is the laughter that could be heard miles away? Where is the enthusiasm that made people believe? Where is the person that could make anyone laugh no matter what troubles him? Where is he?

PS: I'm no monster

HATE

2009-05-19T21:40:00.000-07:00

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

I 'm not the kind of person who hates or bear grudges. But then there are a few people in this world who deserves to be hated and left alone rotting by the road. Yes that's how much of hatred i have for you. You have spoiled my life this year and i was blinded by your fucking lies and emotions and everything of you is a lie. Your life is a lie. When i hear your name or even do something that is related to u i feel so fucked up. I chose you over her and in the end what happened to me? And u dare to talk about hypocrites ? Look at yourself in the mirror and don't lie to your yourself for once and think about it deep down right into your heart , if u have one, and say that you are no hypocrite. You don't know how much i hate u, i feel like telling u off on your face but then again why bother on such sinful soul like you. And now don't think that i have not gotten over you. I don't think about you at all but I'm writing this post so i can clear this out of my system and bury all your thoughts in this post.

RIP BITCH

You've given up on me, you have no care for me at all. When I needed someone pushing me to the top, you just sat there and let me fall, and painfully crash into the hard ground. Never in my world have I seen such a heartless, wretched, poor excuse for a human. Never in my whole existence have I ever heard three words that were nothing more than a lie, those words: "I love you" shouldn't even be used by an infernal being like you. Just the thought of you telling me how you care about me, I feel like shattering my ear drums, instead of letting you get in my head and under my skin. How can someone I looked up to as an angel, but in reality, be the most feral demon I have ever laid eyes on?

All your childish acts of larceny, all of your threats that you have spoken out of your lying mouth, they all mean nothing to me. How you always pull your guilt trips, it's pitiful to have to see you stoop so low. It's pitiful to have to watch you say your sorry, but deep in your blackened, rotten heart your not. Don't give me your "baby I love you" How about two words from me: "Shut up!". And, when you give me your little "I need you, your the one" please, as if you don't lie enough.

What have I done to recieve someone as sorry as you? Did I commit a sin that is unforgivable? There has to be something I did, or will do, to have you torture me with your annoying face, voice, and presence. I guess what I'm trying to get at is....I hate you, down to the bone.....

2009-05-14T11:34:00.000-07:00

When you think of suicide, Listen to me and fight,
It ain't the way to end,
Cause it haven't even began,
Look and me and ask,
Do you really wanna go that fast?
Is misery that much you can't take?

I really don't know whats happening to me. Sleepless nights, feeling as thou I'm trapped in some prison, feeling so squeezed. Always thinking of what could be bothering me for this long and yet there seems to be nothing. Really frustrating. Everything is mechanical and on going. How i wish time would just stop for a moment or two. But then again, there is a saying "Time stops for no man." Friends become enemies, Enemies become friends. Fate/Destiny are really cruel words. It changes just by a snap of a finger. Everything is fated, no matter how hard you try it's just going to end e way is supposed to. What we all can do now is just keep FAITH in what we are doing and hopefully we can succeed in whatever we want to do.

Break-Up's are part and parcel of life no matter how hard one tries it is fated. This post is for you, i could not tell u this face to face as i can't see u hurt. He may have left u but please don't let your world fall apart. Don't ever forget that u have all of us behind u, no matter what and that is a promise.Even though you will, understandably, feel hurt, unloved, unwanted and rejected and, wonder what u did wrong, it is better not to dwell on this for too long. It is more than likely that you will never find out the real truth and although it will not be easy at first, you must face up to what has happened. Tell yourself that the situation was out of your control, so you are not to blame and that your ex-partner is not coming back.

It is all too easy to think that you will never have another perfect relationship like the one that has just ended, when in fact, it must have been far from perfect or you would still be together. You must make yourself understand that you can still have another relationship, although it will not be the same, it will be equally as fulfilling and probably better.

The best company to keep at this time is that of your family and friends, we will listen to you 'pouring out your heart' and comfort you - offering you as many tissues as you require.(and i wont complain that tissues are very expensive! :p)

NEVER SUFFER IN SILENCE AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE HERE!

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T00:55:00.001-07:00

Mother dearest,

You have pretty eyes

Your hands work hard

You gave me life,

care, shelter, food

joy, freedom, pity, luck,

smiles, things, and help

You were with me when I cried

You embraced and soothed me when I was sad

You gave me a good education

Friends who are not bad influences

You are indulgent

giving me everything I want

With your love

But now it's time to give you the only thing I can give

Love

I love you Mom

Please hug me

Forgive me for being greedy

For making you work hard

For worrying you

Let's cry together

Hug me

You are my treasure

My only Mom

You had to carry me for nine months

Let's hug for nine minutes

Thank you for everything you do

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

I'll give you the love you gave me all along

Hug me, Mom

Happy Mother's Day

Let's smile, not cry

All day

TOGETHER

Hug me, Mom

I love you

2009-05-05T09:17:00.000-07:00

Hello to myself.
Hello to my personal hell.
Not exactly mental.
But this situation is very stressful.

I’m lookin’ in the mirror.
Wonderin’ how I got here.
I’m talking to myself again.
asking me when I want it to end.

But when it’s late at night,
and I’m by myself.
All the ghosts in the mirror
comin’ out to get me.
comin’ out to get me.
And when it doesn’t feel right,
that’s when they decide to strike.

“Hello who is that?”
My mirror image, I think we need to chat.
When do you think we will
break down my iron will?
Something needs to change now.
Before I completely fall down.

And when I’m looking in the mirror
I wonder who brought me here.
I’m talking to myself again
and I tell myself I’m ready for it to end.

But when it’s late at night,
and I’m by myself.
All the ghosts in the mirror
comin’ out to get me.
comin’ out to get me.
And when it doesn’t feel right,
that’s when they decide to strike.

The mirror is talkin to me.
The ghosts in the mirror are talkin to me.
They wanna try and get me,
They wanna try and kill me.

But when it’s late at night,
and I’m by myself.
All the ghosts in the mirror
comin’ out to get me.
comin’ out to get me.
And when it doesn’t feel right,
that’s when they decide to strike.

When I look in the mirror
I realize I brought myself here.
There is no such thing as fear.
We only know it because
fear is all we hear

Woke up at 6 20 am and got a really sweet sms from my darling lil best friend GURPREET kaur! "Oh my god, Gushan! Youre gonna sit fr ur poa n maths papers. All the best, ok? like i said, put the blame on me if you didnt pass. Its my fault. I really needed a bestf at tt moment of time n you was ther, thanks dude. I really do appreciate it, You was right, not only teared bt cried actually while i was one th phone w/u n jas. Ure always there whn i nid . Ure the best. I dont know what will ull do if i was still enemies w/u. AT times i just wished (insert phrase) So understanding, yes love life aside. Now to pay back, gib me a call n ill be thr fr you. Name me d person,ill kick his balls. If its a girl, ill make her pregnant. ok dont ask me how. somehow, ill. Otherwise, im not GURPREET Deii!! cahnge my name. HAHA, My plan worked, well fr not going t school. Yayness much? AND YOU! all th best, dont sleep. Pass w/ flying colours. Be greatful tt im taking 5 min t send this 6 text long. Tc"
Gurpreet is damn SWEET, and not a bitch. She thinks eveyone thinks she is one when she is not!

Maths paper was suchha bitch. I looked at e paper took a deep breath and started it. E paper was really tough. Paper was for 2 hours long but i managed to "finish" it in an hour. Slept for e next hour. Then came e biggest shock! The POA paper was like alien to us. Firstly i never ever saw e questions in my life and what i was told to study did not even come out? wth la? e whole class were like shell shocked! How could she do this us? AHh wtever la? like no mood to study and feel like giving up. Been memorising my Social Studies for e past 2 hours. Really hope ill do well for it. Tmr SS and F n N paper. I don't think i want to take my F n N paper . Hopefully i'll get a guts to just skip e paper.

I guess ill end it here, so much more left to say but i rather leave it unsaid.

2009-05-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

Many things can last forever, or so the life span they are given. What we take for granted one day, may be the life changer or destruction of another. . Just as my head sank beneath the water. The deception, hatred and lies just dragged me under. How I came to rise out of such volatile emotion; springing back up to the surface so I may breathe once more. I won't say that I was born again, but I can say it was a higher plain of existence that changed me. Leave one spirit behind and embrace your new one. They say in life, you can have fun and pleasure from anything you want, as long as you will allow yourself embrace the situation mind, body and soul. I have given up all of those, for the desire that I weakly hold on to. As you can feel the rope slipping through your bloody grasp every so many days.

Everyone seems to be fighting with one another now days. They do not think of the consequences, just stating what ever we feel and not thinking about how others feel. I'm no angel either but if u look at it in a bigger prospect u may understand what we are going through.
Maturity may play a big part in this but yet again if u go back to what has happened it all boils down to you and only you. Always denying , pretending and running away. We do know that e world is against u but u have to muster your courage and face it. We all believe in u. Esteem levels may be low but pick it up, walk with your head hanging high up in e sky cause u know u deserve that, not just going around and being used by other people. There is limit for care and compassion but overdoing it would not do anyone any good. I may have hurt you and I'm sorry but all i want is for u to be happy, nth more. We all love u alot.

God! exams has all ready started and this problems have to come out? as tho it has been scripted. Everything seems to be too familiar. A hint of De Ja VU? i really hope not. It has been a long time since i really have settled down but now, everything seems to be in a mess and this time there may be no turning back. What is said is said, what is done is done and now i can only look at e ominous future. Having O levels is such a bitch , there is only one strike and there is no room for ever. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. Its like having e blues everyday. Today tried to study, managed to memorise a chapter on Globalisation and leaned how to do VECTORS! OK its really late now gotta wake up early tmr! bye! :D

Memories that wld be cherished

2009-04-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!! This is my first time blogging. So forgive me if i make any mistakes or anything like that.Since this is my first ever post i would like to dedicate it too all my close friends and cousins who have been with me through thick and thin. If not for you all i might not be even here. Love u guys =)

To me one and ONLY sister. Jaskiran has been the most awesome friend,sister,brother,best-friend any one can ask for. We have been in e same punjabi school since we were k2. We started talking to each other when we were in sec 1. We were sworn enemies then. We hated each other to the core. Whenever we spoke we ended up in an argument and all the bad blood between us would be out. After a while we became less barbaric and more civilized to each other. My birthday was nearing and i decided to go for a movie and called her, jeevan amritpal and sharen. Since that day we contacted each other everyday meeting up at least once a week. The year was 2007. And 2 years on we still are as close as ever. We love each other alot in a brother sister relationship. To people who think such relationships are fake well this is an example. To tell u the truth im sick of all these people talking about us and all. Anyways i should not get carried away back to JASKIRAN. Life for me without her is not possible. Whenever i am sad and when there is no one to turn to there would be "super woman" jaskiran kaur! She has never led a tear roll down my cheek and never made me hurt. Although now this madam ji needs alot of entertainment from "people" nowdays. Love u sistaa!!

.

Then then there is my super duper MOTI! miss sukhJEEVANth kaur. I also really got to know her when i was sec 1. I use to bullshit with her every weekend that i was going out on a date thats y i had to go offline but actually my mum wanted me to go sleep :X . Jeevan is girl like one in a million laa. She is mentally and physically very strong (i not saying u fatt uhh) Like jaskiran we also started talking to each other everyday. We got really close in 2008. But then something happened and everything went downhill untill now. Things seem to be getting better between us. Yea jeevan is like e best girl defender i know la. Guys im warning you she may seem slow but it is impossible to go past her just that she must know how to kick proper penalty kicks! and stop eating DABA of MEES! haha but yea and when she learns a new word like 'NANDEH' she wld keep on saying it in every sentence and now her favourite word is 'rytee' she think she very kewll! and i bet now she wld be thinking "i do not need to think i know im cool" and oh ya she is e most hardworking peron i know! she has soo many tutions a week and netball trainings and drama all to handle yet she does it with a smile on her face most of e time! there must learn frm her! ok anyways she rocks! haha love u jeevan

"drum rolls plss" and now presentingg DILMEET kaurr!
She is one kick ass bad girl.haha no la im joking. She is like one of e most 'funnest' person to hang out with. She is also very daring and like her sister, jeevan , is one in a million. She is super duper caring and always put others first before herself. Which is a bad thing! DILMEET START CARING AND PAYING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF! She is like one of e most sweetest and beautiful person ! although she loves to disturb me abt me jura i still love her.She has loads of stamina in her and can beat many guys at walking pace! and one thing bad abt her is that she thinks she is fat! she is no where close of being FAT! ahha! wait one day i shall have an online poll asking other people if u are FAT. I met dilmeet during jeevan's bday celebration in punjabi school. Everyone seemed to be talking abt her in punjabi school abt how pretty she was but i saw e "prettiness" in e inside too! yay she has soo many good qualites. bottomlinee she is an awesome person! love u dilmeet

Ladies and gentlemen here i present you MISs JASVINDARPAL KAURR! (i got your name right)
MY BIGGEST BULLY! She is one hell of a mad rockerr!! ahha! She has an amazing personality. Even e most saddest person who never ever smiled before in their life if by chance get to meet her, would start smiling straight awayy! yes yes im not joking. She brings this sense of joy in life which would want you to look forward too. She has an unbelively high level of maturity. She is only 18 yet she can run a house, teach tution , study , take care of her lil brothers and yet still make time for her friends and be there for them whenever they need her. She is like wonderwoman i tell u! I first met her on e bus back to singapore from e gurduwara cup. We were singing antakshari and when it was my turn i sang. Due to my shyness , i did not sing very loudly and she then gave me a nick name called ANT BOY! when we gt bk to SG i added her on msn. i soon added her on msn and started to relate my problems with her. I took her advice most of e time and it always worked for me. And oh ya i forgot to mention how pretty and intelligent she wass!! love u SONII!

and and now we meet miss choti saini aka PARAM PREET
My first impression of her was really bad. I thought she was some bitchh! but after talking to her almost at least 4 times a week and meeting her! i realised what a nice person she is. She also puts her friends and god brothers in front of anyone else. She always is e most liveliest and talkative one in our group. If she does not talk we know that something is wrong with her. She is really pretty but she thinks she is not. She gives in too much, PARAM U ARE PRETTY!! like seriouslyy! dont worry Ur prince shall come soon k? dont have to care abt all e useless bastards who flirt and then when u fall for them just vanish! im sure he is coming soon! just hang on!! and oh ya did i mention that in seconday school she told me tat she wanted to be a nurse and true enough she is taking a nurse course. She worked hard and she got her fruits of her labour! and and do u know tat she works too! ya! u see she can juggle 2 things and once! awsomee ritee! love u param!

and then comes my youngest closest friend, the one and only GURPREET KAUR!
she is only 13 yet she has 10 piercings! crazyy ritee! but ya she is one superstar i tell u. If u have a chance to go out with her once u can see stares coming frm everywayy looking at her like she is some model parading. She may be 13 but she does not look or act like 13! she is really mature for her age and maby a lil tooo mature, but it's ok i guess! we both share a funny relationship. AT first we were really close then something happned and after that we hated each other alot. and now we are back to e same palce where we were close except for now she has a really fantastic bf! i swear they look really good together. She likes to talk alot of nonsense and may seem like a bitch but inside her she is reeally a nicee person. So pls dont judge her by what ppl say! get to know her before assuming stuff. and oh ya she always ask me to piggy back her so guys if u see me hunching ahh u know who to balmee ahh #5
love u gurpreet

ok now i have dedicated e posts abt e girls who played a really imt part of my life, now i have to dedicate e remaing post to my 4 jigripooss!

introducing first, hailing from bukit timah gallop drive, weighing at 72 kg and standing at 1.8 m i introduce u to MRRRR JASDEEP SINGH GILL!! he is my best cuzzin! he is more of a brother to me! we share all our joys and sorrows together. He has one heck of a body and when i stand next to him i feel like a small kid. His sheer size can just scare e living hell out of u but then there is his million dollar facee where any girl would just die forr! and yet my darling cousin is still single!! yeah girls he is single and ready to minglee. He is like super duperly caring abt me la. i listen to sad songss also he think i very sad. ahha he is one heck of an awesome guy i tell u. and u know what he is frm e best school in singapore (RI) and lives in a multi million dollar home and yet he is so god damn modest. A true model to many rich snobs! he also can teach u chemistry. i still rememeber one day before my mid year paper i called him and asked him to teach me how to do 2 chaps and he thought me thru e phone and u know what because of him i actually passed! thanks deep alot! i love u my jAAN deep! :D

then there is most experienced RETIRED playboii! mr KARAn! he has really opned my eyes to e nasty world out there. he is only 17 yet he works supports his mother and loves my ***** alot. he has done everything possible to make her happy. He has always been there for me. There was once when i did not want to meet anyone and he came all e way from tampiness to yishun just to see me. it really touched me. He is like a man + girl joint togther la!! he knows wt to say and wt to do at a right timee! he is sadly living for NS soon. i do not know how im gonna survive without u but i want to let u know that i loveee uuu!

MR indiaa! aka amrit pall! this guy is one hell of a soft hearted guyy! he soo bloody freaking patient la. he is supper cutee e wonnder soo manyy girlss are after himm. he pronounces FUKED up as FUGGED up. I tell u damnn funny laa. but e best time too see him is when he is drunkk la. ahah he wld talk alot of kok onee. he always advices mee to study and loves to call me USELESS! ahahha. anyway i love u me jiripooo!!!

now to all e gangsters out there i would like to introduce u all to e biggest gangster in singapore some say batam but i say bali! MR manish KARLA! this guy i tell u ahh everywhere go also will have trouble want. is like trouble follows him laah. everytime will have fight la then will be sent off during matches haha! he ahh, but he is a super nice guy laa! he may seem firece but when he talks, he talks like a gentlemen! he may not look punju due to e "fierce look" he ah nice guy to hang out with but must not let him walk alot wait he get angry he beat up haha! love u my pyarr manish! haha

and now but now not least my coolest cuzzin who always injures himself. Mr Alvin RIar
this guy is super cool! but he ah made me drink beer e first time i met him! ahhaa
then when i was 'drunk' he can make fun of me summore ! but he is a damn nice guy!
he always gives me good advice and u can really have a good conversation with him. He may seem like a very serious guy but really he is a number one joker. He can dance all e disco movess all but when he comes to bhangra he is like some bangla dancing salsa! haha yeah. He dresses up really well and has a sense of style in walking! anyways i lovee u ! psss( IM NOT GAY!)

Then i have to introduce you to my homie! e only non punjabi best friend!
he is one cool malay dude! oh ya his name is Fuad burn. He has really long hair and he loves to admire himself in e mirror, maby abit too much. He has a really muscular body and is freaking strongg plus he is really good in silat! beware of himm! he has many moves under his beltt
he almost popped out my shoulder! haha! and he is also my gym instructorr! because of him my body is taking shape! He really pushes me to e extreme! he once made me soo tired after gym that i could not even movee! He also is a super duper nice guy! many girls after him just that he does not know they all fall for him just like that! He is still in love with his X but seriously lot of girls are out there wating for u to choose them. love u fuad!